Tag Archives: dating

Conversations with Coworkers Cont’d

20 Dec

So me and the office folks were at it again.

The topic – relationships.

The catalyst – not really sure.

Like Andre Benjamin, my memory sucks. My sister just reminded me of this today.

shrug.gif

I think it all began with my boss (Mark) telling me that he planned on ending his relationship with the woman he’s been dating the last year. Termination date —  December 26th. Why the day after Christmas? Because he can’t do it on Christmas and her birthday. Yes, this unsuspecting woman shares her birthday with Jesus of Nazareth. Home girl, just can’t win.  Can she?

I think Mark wants to start off 2017 with a clean slate. Who can blame him? New year, new you and all of that. I’m coloring my hair. Plus Mark’s girlfriend is making plans for New Year’s Eve, so lets abort this failed mission of romantic mediocrity shall we. I can dig it.

So a discussion of the termination of Mark’s romantic entanglement mushrooms into a generic discussion on local dating between three 30-ish singles (myself, Mark, and another woman (Stephanie)).

Mark states that good company and conversation are hard to find.

Agreed.

Stephanie shares that some of the men she’s dated have complained that she’s so self-sufficient that she doesn’t need them.  Hmmm. Define need.  Men have told me that I’m intimidating.

Again.

shrug

Mark mentions that one of his single friends decided to end things with a woman he was dating because she didn’t keep a neat home. Now by untidy I mean some shirts were scattered about the floor.  I’m not referring to a roach-infested, unsanitary, basket-of-deplorable dump. Now both parties are employed well. The messy woman is a lawyer and apparently Mark’s friend has a really good job, code for he makes bank.

But where does Mark’s friend reside?

At home with his momma.

 

throwing-shirts

 

 

Advertisements

Best Twitter Rant Ever @beeyroyce

23 Mar

So I know Yeezy has been getting all the attention due to his recent tweeted soliloquies but I stumbled across this glorious thread by @beeyroyce that I endorse wholeheartedly.  Words to live by ladies, for sure.

Beey Rant 1

Beey Rant 2

 

 

Oh and this just in, black Men in the DMV only attend sporting events. I know this isn’t news for most of us single black women living in the Washington, DC metropolitan area (hence the sarcasm).  But I do appreciate VSB for vocalizing it.

Now if only they could clone eligible Idris Elba-esque versions of themselves.

The Crazies Entry #1 (Frank-the-Tank)

11 Jan

Screen Shot 2016-01-10 at 8.49.26 PM

So as the year 2015 came to a close, this guy reached out to me online via the POF dating site. I’m a light user; far from the proactive sort. I generally only respond when it’s someone I’m attracted to with an acceptable profile, which unfortunately is rare.

He (let’s call him Frank-the-Tank) came with a decent one-liner “I like bougie black girls too” referencing a T-shirt I sported in one of my profile pictures. His profile and his looks were adequate so I responded.

I do apologize for not having actual screenshots of the conversation. Sadly to the disappointment of women everywhere, Frank-the-Tank has deleted his POF profile.

So you know where this is going – right?

I asked Frank-the-Tank to define bougie. According to him, bougie women are confident, ambitious, have a unique sense of style, and go the extra mile in the bedroom to please their partner.

Who knew bougie women were such sexual givers? Did you know? I had no idea. You learn something new every day.

Frank-the-Tank wasted no time with his first question. He wanted to know what I was looking for in a man mentally and physically. I reply and counter with the same question. Frank-the-Tank explains that he’s usually attracted to women with the following characteristics: a nice smile, soft-spoken, thick thighs, and a big booty.

His exact words.

I try not to fault his straightforwardness due to the fact that I listed candor as one of the traits I appreciated in a partner. And we’re all adults here, 35+ so let’s move on.

I power through.

I explain to Frank-the-Tank that I think my bum is about average size but I definitely check all his other boxes.

I ask Frank-the-Tank what brings him to POF and how he’s enjoyed his experiences thus far.

Frank-the-Tank explains that the women he meets in person tend to be of poor quality so he decided to try the online world. Frank-the-Tank then proceeds to tell me that he’s looking for the mythical educated and successful woman.

Again his exact words.

winnie the poo WTF.jpg

 

This is the Washington, DC metropolitan area Frank. There are plenty of educated and successful women in these streets. To quote a friend, you could throw a rock and hit one there’s so many. Washington, DC is ranked second among the US’s top educated cities.

So of course I shared my opinion (cause that’s what I do). I told him that I felt that there were plenty of educated and successful women in the area i.e., if you define success as employed and self-sufficient. I also shared that dating becomes more challenging as we age because the “mythical” pool shrinks.

Frank-the-Tank never responded.

My assumption is that he defined soft-spoken as docile/passive/acquiescent; none of which describes yours truly (generally speaking). Most educated and successful women have opinions which they willingly share and rightfully so. It astonishes me how many men claim to want an intelligent partner but immediately bolt when they encounter a woman who isn’t a halfwit. Say what you mean and mean what you say, please. If you’re looking for a fuckable, nonresponsive unresponsive sounding board then hire a bloody prostitute.

Another assumption I have is that Frank-the Tank was African or Caribbean. He listed French as a second language in his profile. And I tend to attract a lot of West Indian and African men for some reason. It’s been this way all of my dating life. I have no problem with this. I’m all about diversity,  an EEO. However, it’s a challenge if they are seeking a woman who believes in traditional gender roles and all of that. If so, they are truly barking up the wrong tree. And it’s a waste of time for all.

Or maybe Frank-the-Tank was married? After all he deleted his profile within like about a month’s time.

Who knows really? It’s all speculation. My attempt to understand these crazies.

And men wonder why the popular hashtag #WasteHisTime2016 exists.

Is turnabout not fair play?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shonda Shares All

23 Nov

 

I thoroughly enjoyed Oprah’s interview with television powerhouse Shonda Rhimes on Supersoul Sunday. It was so encouraging to see two intelligent, confident, and successful black women unafraid to speak and live their truth.  They are an example to us all.

Shonda shared her views on marriage, parenting, and the power of saying no when necessary. Many women suffer from the need to please everyone all  the time. On learning to say no Shonda said, “It’s really hard to say that [no] to people. It’s very interesting how wired we are to tell somebody 1,000 reasons why we can’t do something for them.”

Ain’t that the truth.

Shonda also shared that,  “I do not want my daughters to grow up and think that I should shrink and be in the background; that I should be selfless, sacrificing, I should be silent.”

So many powerful takeaways from the interview.

Here’s a clip of Shonda on marriage and societal pressure to do so. I’m sure most single women beyond the age of 30 can relate.

If you want to see the interview in its entirety, check it out here.

Shonda shares all in her new memoir, Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun, and Be Your Own Person.

Dating While Black Meets Dateonomics

23 Sep

daddyslittlegirlsI mentioned that I just finished Dateonomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game by Jon Birger. The book reminded me a lot of Ralph Richard Banks’ Is Marriage for White People? How the African American Marriage Decline Affects EveryoneThe books are similar in that they closely examine the lack of “marriageable” men and include suggestions on how women should navigate “the man deficit” as Birger calls it. Although Birger doesn’t specifically focus on the black community like Banks, he does highlight some trends within the black dating market. Early on, Birger mentions the high disparity of women and men attending Howard University.

[The gender ratio at] Howard University in Washington, DC is 69:31. Some of the most extreme college gender gaps are found at historically black institutions like Howard. Indeed, when it comes to gender gaps and their impacts, the African American community is the proverbial canary in the coal mine.

A ratio of 69 (women) to 31 (men) translated into a percentage means that there are 122% more women than men at Howard! Insane. In Is Marriage for White People?, Banks claims that the decline of marriage within the black community is a precursor to what will be experienced in white America echoing Birger’s “canary in the coal mine” idiom.

Birger has five suggestions for single college-educated women seeking a spouse. One of which includes marrying a man with lesser education. According to Birger,

Such parings are already commonplace in the African American community, where the college gender gap is extreme. According to NCES [National Center for Education Statistics], 112,898 African American women graduated from four-year colleges in 2011, versus 59,119 African American men. As a result, educated African American women who wish to marry within their own race have little choice but to consider dating less educated African American men.

Black pop culture reflects this demographic reality. Beyonce (who grew up in a wealthy Houston suburb) makes dating down sound downright sexy in songs such as “Suga Mama” and “Upgrade U.” And mixed-collar relationships are a staple of Tyler Perry movies: In The Family That Preys, Havard-educated Andrea is married to hunky construction worker Chris, and in Daddy’s Little Girls, romance blooms between attorney Julia and muscle-bound Monty. Cleveland matchmaker Tammie Collins, who is African American, told me that mixed-collar pairings were “definitely” more common among her black clients than among white ones. A 2010 Pew Research report reflected the same reality: 33 percent of African American women were married to men with less education, compared to 28 percent of all American women.

Birger and Banks differ in that Birger advocates dating down while Banks is a proponent of dating out i.e., dating interracially. I’d argue that the risks of dating down are higher for black women than for white women. Can we afford to date down? And at what cost? Let me be clear, I would date a man with less education. But he’d have to be gainfully employed and able to stimulate me intellectually. I don’t care for dolts whether they be degreed or not.

Overall I found Birger’s book informative and affirmative. It’s not you ladies, it’s the gender ratio. Gender ratios vastly impact the behavior or men and women in variant dating markets. According Birger, “males invest more effort in finding and keeping a mate when females are in short supply.”

Lastly, here are Birger’s tips for single college-educated women seeking marriage:

  1. Make gender ratios a consideration when choosing a college.
  2. Be aware that holding out is a risky marriage strategy for college-educated women.
  3. Your workplace is part of your dating ecology, so choose your career judiciously.
  4. Go West, Young Woman. [Generally speaking there are more single men out west.]
  5. College-educated women should consider expanding their dating pool to include lesser-educated men.

Ta-Nehisi Coates on the Myth of Black Criminality

21 Sep

Would you look at this? A post?!

not-sure-if-busy-or-too-lazy

___

I just finished the book Dateonomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game by financial writer Jon Birger. It was an interesting, quick read. Hopefully I’ll post about it this week. Birger briefly highlights the dating within the black community in the book. I’m about to move onto Ta-Nehisi Coates’ Between the World and Me. But before that, I need to finish Coates’ latest piece “The Black Family in the Age of Mass Incarceration.” It’s the cover story of The Atlantic’s October issue.

Included in the online version, is an awesome video representation of an interview with Coates exploring the myth of black criminality. I felt it worth posting.

And for more on the prison industry complex and how it decimates black community, check out Michelle Alexander’s The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness. Full disclosure: I haven’t read it in its entirety. The book’s introduction was just so disheartening that I stopped. I just wasn’t in a good enough place to push through. I think I’ll revisit, after I insert some light-hearted fiction into my reading list. We all need some fluff.

Married in 2 Years or Less?!

18 Jun

Married in 2 years

 

I’m a member of a number of meetup groups that I usually don’t participate in #gottaworkonthat and I received an email about the program pictured above. I was, of course, immediately annoyed. I’m tired of all the predatory marketing concerning romance camouflaged as dating advice for the single woman, in particular black women. Why aren’t we discussing the fact that in this country black men marry far less than white, Hispanic, and Asian males? Or the fact that black men cheat at higher rates than men of other races? But Kiki is going to instruct me on how to marry one in two years or less for the low cost of $650.00. Wait, I should clarify, Kiki said a man–not  a black man. And btw Kiki Strickland is an African-American woman.

Let me be clear this is not an effort to bash the black male. But context is everything – is it not? I’m just sharing what the research bears out. But it’s more than peer-reviewed, academic research really. I’ve heard the same non-committal romance stories shared by family members and friends. One friend recently shared that she feels that black men in our age group (30s to 40s) practically have to be strong-armed into marriage or at least that’s what she’s observed first-hand. Another woman (40+) agreed. According to her, the black men that she’s seen marry only did so after being given ultimatums. I can see that being the case.  It seems as though women, generally speaking, are always ready to board that commitment train while men eventually climb aboard somewhat reluctantly, if they even get to the train station at all. And for the record, I do not believe in strong-arming tactics nor do I believe that marriage/long-term commitment is the path for all. Live and let live and all of that. I’ve also observed black men marry their long-time girlfriends without any poking or prodding prior to the ages of 30 and 40.

But back to Kiki and her clique of relationship experts/life coaches. I think many of them are more concerned with building their Matchmaking empire than actually fostering healthy romantic relationships between members of the opposite sex. Somebody’s got to get paid. This is America after all where capitalism, consumption, and materialism reign supreme.

And on that note, how many of ya’ll are going to see Think Like a Man Too on Friday?

#sarcasm  🙂

 

 

%d bloggers like this: