Tag Archives: singletons

Conversations with Coworkers Cont’d

20 Dec

So me and the office folks were at it again.

The topic – relationships.

The catalyst – not really sure.

Like Andre Benjamin, my memory sucks. My sister just reminded me of this today.

shrug.gif

I think it all began with my boss (Mark) telling me that he planned on ending his relationship with the woman he’s been dating the last year. Termination date —  December 26th. Why the day after Christmas? Because he can’t do it on Christmas and her birthday. Yes, this unsuspecting woman shares her birthday with Jesus of Nazareth. Home girl, just can’t win.  Can she?

I think Mark wants to start off 2017 with a clean slate. Who can blame him? New year, new you and all of that. I’m coloring my hair. Plus Mark’s girlfriend is making plans for New Year’s Eve, so lets abort this failed mission of romantic mediocrity shall we. I can dig it.

So a discussion of the termination of Mark’s romantic entanglement mushrooms into a generic discussion on local dating between three 30-ish singles (myself, Mark, and another woman (Stephanie)).

Mark states that good company and conversation are hard to find.

Agreed.

Stephanie shares that some of the men she’s dated have complained that she’s so self-sufficient that she doesn’t need them.  Hmmm. Define need.  Men have told me that I’m intimidating.

Again.

shrug

Mark mentions that one of his single friends decided to end things with a woman he was dating because she didn’t keep a neat home. Now by untidy I mean some shirts were scattered about the floor.  I’m not referring to a roach-infested, unsanitary, basket-of-deplorable dump. Now both parties are employed well. The messy woman is a lawyer and apparently Mark’s friend has a really good job, code for he makes bank.

But where does Mark’s friend reside?

At home with his momma.

 

throwing-shirts

 

 

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Murmurings of a Black Male

17 Nov

This week I listened to a black man profess to having difficulty meeting women in the DC area.

eye-roll

Stats include he’s 30, highly-educated, decent looking, gainfully employed, and (from what I can discern) self-sufficient. He is also the father of two boys; he had a child at 20 and then again with his now ex-wife. (If I have the story right.) He’s certainly not the tallest man in the room. I’m guessing in the 5’7 to 5’8 range, so if you’re a stickler for height he might not make the cut. (Get it? Tee hee.) But surely there are enough petit women roaming these DMV streets who won’t take issue with his height. Or nah?

So of course I counter with — all these women around here and you’re complaining….(my usual response). He has a girlfriend BTW; they’ve been dating for a year. According to Mr. Looks-Good-On-Paper, he finds difficulty meeting quality women. There may be quantity, but there is a shortage of quality he said. I’ve heard this statement before, several times from different black men. And by quality this particular guy means a woman with a good job, attractive, fit, self-sufficient, and no children (even though he has two kids in tow but I didn’t call him on that one, not yet).

I freely admit that dating is challenge for most, if not all. There are so many factors involved (e.g., timing, availability, location, attraction, happenstance, societal pressures, and the list goes on). Furthermore, these days we expect to have it all when it comes to long-term partnership. We’re not simply looking for financial security and pursuing procreation as the daters who came before us. We’re all about the total package in 2016. Is he cute? Is she smart? Does he make me laugh? What’s her credit score?  Is he physically active? Does she like sports?

So we’ve set the bar high folks (or at least most of us have). And finding “one of the ones” who meets our non-negotionables isn’t easy.

That being said, I still maintain that it’s harder for women, than for men.  In All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation, author Rebecca Traister said that women tend to get the short end of the stick in romantic realm. Hells yeah. And it gets even more difficult as we women age (gracefully, no less).

I’d rather not hear men complain about quality when they, at the very least, have quantity.  There can be no quality if there is no quantity; and that’s where many 30+ women land. Where?  Oh where, is the quantity? Since returning to the DC area, most of the men I meet in my age range (who seem decent and are physically attractive) are already spoken for. It’s called assortative mating. And as women age, the number of single available males dwindles. Jon Birger examines this in Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game.

I feel  as though I’ve discussed this ad nauseam on WABGTD (see past posts) as well as in my personal life with family, friends, and coworkers.  I’m kinda tired of talking about it. And I’m certainly tired of hearing men complain, especially a man who already has someone.

shut up.gif

 

Wedding of One

26 Jan

solo weddingYasmin Eleby decided to “marry” herself at the beginning of this year in a ceremony at the Museum of African American Culture in Houston, Texas. Eleby vowed that if she wasn’t married by age 40, she’d “marry” herself. Technically one cannot legally marry oneself but she went through the motions; it was a spiritual ceremony nothing legally binding. Reactions were mixed from the online community. Of course, there was a lot of hate unleashed. Commenters referred to Eleby as “desperate” and “thirsty.”  But then there were some words of support and encouragement. One commenter wrote, “I think it’s a beautiful thing to marry yourself.  I have always said if you want something done, do it yourself.”

Here are a few comments from NoWayGirl.com.

Comments from NoWayGirl.com

Comments from NoWayGirl.com

 

Um, but why she gotta be gay though? And so what if she is? Smh. Foolishness infuriates me.

I say — “Do you boo!” If Eleby can afford it, why the hell not? And I salute her for not marrying a lame, less than candidate like so many other men and women who succumb to pressure to pick a partner or spouse.

In her book It’s not You: 27 (Wrong Reasons You’re Single), Sara Eckel breaks down the idea of an actual desperate woman. Here’s an excerpt.

…but for now let’s take another look at that awful word “desperate.” As Stephanie Coontz points out, the fact that we throw this label on women who have refrained from marrying is absurd. “It’s understandable that many women are anxious about the prospect of finding a good husband,” Coontz wrote in Marriage, a History. “But few modern women are actually desperate to marry. Historically, desperate is agreeing to marry a much older man whom you find physically repulsive. Desperate is closing your eyes to prostitutes and mistresses and praying you don’t get a venereal disease. Desperate is having child after child because your husband won’t let you use birth control or covering the bruises you got last night when you hurry to the market to shop for the evening meal. Women today may be anxious about finding a mate, but most could not even imagine being that desperate.”

You didn’t rush back to that mediocre relationship. You didn’t grit your teeth and enter some passionless union with a perfectly nice guy who doesn’t get you. There are people who are afraid to be alone, who head for the nearest warm body after each breakup, or who stay in miserable relationships because the alternative is so terrifying. But that’s not you, is it?

Nor is it Yasmin Eleby. I salute you my spouse-free sister!

 

Yasmin Eleby

Yasmin Eleby

 

 

ps 

Eleby isn’t the only woman to marry herself. A woman in Taiwan married herself in 2010. And 31-year-old Grace Gelder married solo last year.

 

Man for Hire

23 Jan

male_escortsNot too long ago my dad suggested that single women should rent men. Yes those words actually left his 70-year-old mouth; he was essentially giving me the go-ahead to hire a “gentleman of the night.” (Side note: As a 36-year-old grown ass woman I know that I don’t need his approval to do anything).

I’m not exactly sure how we got to his surprising suggestion. I think we were discussing how his niece had invested most of her life in a sub par romantic relationship with a loser of a guy. And my dad does not want his daughters to go down that same futile, painful path. And he knows the pickings are slim in these parts. Partners are not guaranteed. And also he knows that a girl has needs. So why not hire a male escort – right?  My father is nothing if not logical and practical (oh and yes blunt).

But he may be onto something. There was a recent article in The Daily Beast on how young career women are turning to escort services for male companionship.  It’s strategic, efficient, and apparently effective. Here are the benefits according to the article.

 

 

escort service benefits

 

 

Now what would you do? I’m not quite there yet.

Yet.

Single Women Assessed

15 Jan

scantronLast week DC native Taraji P. Henson was featured on the Wendy Williams Show promoting her new show Empire on FOX. Of course, Wendy asked about her dating life and Taraji shared that she was currently not dating.

“Where is the wine?”  Taraji joked. “Same old, story.  It’s hard to date. Guys don’t court anymore.” But Taraji was quick to note that she was thoroughly pleased with her life. “I am not woe is me, I don’t have a man. I am extremely happy.”

As a spouse-free and presently dateless woman it was comforting to be reminded that I’m not alone in my dating struggles. Not in a misery loves company type of way; but more of a it’s not me (I’m not defective), many black women find dating a challenge type of way. And I knew of all this before but it was nice to be reaffirmed.

During the Christmas holiday my family had an in-depth discussion about love, relationships, and dating. One cousin (39, single black male) told my sister and I that we needed to be more positive. Men can feel a negative vibe. Now I don’t have anything against positive thinking but it’s just not enough. I can’t will a compatible man into existence. Mental sensory generators activate STAT. Nah. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Furthermore, I must not be giving off too much of a negative vibe because I manage to successfully attract plenty of married men. My “stank-face” must need work.

Far too often, single women are encouraged to pick ourselves apart in an attempt to uncover the reason why we are single, as if being spouse-free is a curse and we’re its root cause.

I really enjoyed Sara Eckel’s book It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong Reasons You’re Single). Here’s some wise words from her.

We’re a nation that believes strongly in personal efficacy–if there’s something in your life that isn’t working quite the way you’d like, then the problem must begin and end with you. Even people diagnosed with serious illnesses are instructed to maintain a positive attitude, as if that will make cancer go away. Many of these prescriptions come from a well-intentioned place–of course, it is a good idea to take charge of your life and work toward a happier future. Of course, we understand that if we crave life’s rewards–interesting jobs, nice homes, rich social networks–we’ll need to apply ourselves.

But the myth that we’re 100 percent in control of what happens in our lives makes us extremely hard on ourselves, and single people especially, so eager to solve this riddle of Why, are often willing to accept the premise that some fatal personality flaw is preventing them from finding lifelong love.

I’m in total agreement. Although personal responsibility and determination have their fair parts, there are far too many forces at play (seen and unseen).

Let’s not pick ourselves apart and stop letting others do so.

Here’s more of Taraji’s interview.

Deliberate in Dating

12 Jun

be intentional

I agree with this 100%. I think many of us forget that love is actually a choice and choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll make in this life. Just because someone is selling doesn’t mean you gotta be buying. Pick carefully friends, or regret it later.

A female friend told me that men are usually pretty “intentional” but she felt that “women always feel like we have to take what the wind drags in.”  I agree, generally speaking of course. What say you?

To read the rest of matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson’s tips on ways to improve your marriage while you’re still single, go here. He’s got some good advice.

Question: Are the men listening?

🙂

#MYFRIENDSAREMARRIED

11 Sep

Today my friend sent me this hilarious site #MYFRIENDSAREMARRIED and oh how it tickles me 🙂

Take a look-see when you need a break from the ho and the hum of work.

Here’s a sneak peek.

Thanks Magazines and Chocolate!

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